The year in review

0:00 Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast, where academic clinicians learn the skills to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor. As clinicians, we spend a decade or more as trainees learning to take care of patients. When we finally start our careers, we want to build research programs, but then we find that our years of clinical training did not adequately prepare us to lead our research program. Through no fault of our own, we struggle to find mentors, and when we can't, we quit. However, clinicians hold the keys to the greatest research breakthroughs.

0:40 For this reason, the Clinician Researcher podcast exists to give academic clinicians the tools to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor. Now introducing your host, Toyosi Onwuemene. Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast. I'm your host, Toyosi Onwuemene, and it is a pleasure to be talking with you today. Thank you for tuning in. I'm excited to announce the last podcast episode for the year 2023, because we're going into the holiday season and I am off next week. And so I want to thank you for tuning in these last few weeks.

1:22 The podcast launched in August, and I am so excited about the number of people who've been tuning in and regularly just letting me know how the podcast has been beneficial to them. So thank you so much. So for this last podcast episode of the year, I'm actually freestyling it, but I really wanted to stop and just really talk about the year in review, because I have to tell you, this has been a phenomenal year. And I mean, it's been phenomenal in so many ways, but I think the biggest way in which it's been big is just that, wow, I've grown so much. And the person who began this year as me is not the same person who's ending the year.

2:03 And that is the biggest thing that I celebrate. And so in just thinking about the year in review and actually inviting you to do the same, I think I want to highlight the things that maybe are not like the perfect things. I mean, there are a lot of great things that have happened. I will tell you today, I finally looked through and I looked at the number of manuscripts we submitted this year, and we submitted 12 as a team. And I'm proud of that number, not because of the number, but because of how far I've come. Because when I started my faculty career 10 years ago, I was someone who barely published, someone who barely wrote, I certainly was not publishing with mentees in my program.

2:43 And so for all of those manuscripts that we published this year, I think only one of those manuscripts was not done with a mentee. And so the manuscripts that we submitted don't represent the number of like, oh, wow, look at all that I've done. But it's just, wow, look at the people that I've supported to be able to succeed in their research. And that feels so important and so powerful to me, because to be honest, all the challenges that I feel like I've experienced in being a clinician making the transition to a researcher, they become worth it when other people are able to advance in their research careers because of the work that I do. And so that represents to me such an important, important win, because it's not a numbers win.

3:29 It's not even like, oh, look what I published when it's a wow, look at all the people who are coming up who are able to win because you're winning. And so that's so powerful to me. And I just wanted to just highlight that and just celebrate that. That's one of the things I'm celebrating. Another thing I'm celebrating is that this is the first year that I owned my expertise as a clinician researcher. So for the longest time, especially, I mean, again, I started 10 years ago and I was told that I wasn't qualified for this role. And I was told that if I really wanted to do research, I should do it on my own at nights and on weekends. And as someone who's come a long way from that, right? I started in an 80%, which felt to me like 100% clinical role, and I've transitioned to an 80% research role.

4:15 And there are things I haven't accomplished that I've wanted to accomplish. For example, getting an NIH R01 has been a big goal of mine and I haven't accomplished that. But wow, if I look at all the things I have accomplished where someone like me who was a full clinician is not expected to have been able to accomplish that, is not expected to have been able to acquire grant funding to be able to really support and lead a research program. And so I'm celebrating my owning that expertise. And the reason I celebrate that is because when I was going to start this podcast, I was like, who are you? Who are you to stand up and say, oh, I'm going to do a podcast about transitioning from clinician to researcher when you still haven't even made it yet?

5:03 And really, that was a conversation I had with myself. And I'm like, OK, so let's say someone who's 20, 30 years ahead of me has had multiple R01, U01, U54s, they've had P project grants, they've had everything. OK, maybe that person is qualified to come on a podcast and say, hey, look at all I've accomplished and please be like me. And so I think that person is qualified. The person who's 20, 30 years older than me, I don't think I'm qualified because I'm like, well, I've got so much yet to accomplish. And so part of me owning that win and celebrating that accomplishment is saying, you know what? I may not be the most qualified person in the room when it comes to clinicians leading research programs.

5:51 But to be honest, the story of my life is I've never been qualified to do anything. I just do it. And then in the process of doing it, I qualify myself. And if I had listened to everyone in life who ever told me, well, you're not really qualified, somebody else is more qualified than you, I wouldn't have shown up. I wouldn't have advanced. I wouldn't have come to where I am. And so I think why that's such an important celebration to me is that it no longer matters when people stand up and tell me I'm not qualified because in my mind I'm like, so what? I want to do it and I'm going to. And because sometimes it's like, well, you're not qualified. Why don't you not try so you don't fail? But in my mind, I'm like, well, qualified or not, this is what I want to do.

6:31 Let's do it. If it doesn't work, OK, it didn't work out. But you know what? It just might work and that'll be awesome. And so it's recognizing that I don't have to be qualified to give what I already have. I don't have to be qualified to just share my story because, hey, it's my story and to really own the successes that I have had in how far I've come for someone who was told from the very beginning that she wasn't qualified to lead research. And for that reason, she should just sit and do what everybody else is doing. And so I want to celebrate that I did not allow that to keep me from coming on this platform and being on this podcast.

7:15 So I'm celebrating that. Another thing I want to celebrate this year is that this is the year I did some different things that are not traditionally in line with academia. I think starting this podcast is one of them, but even studying a business as a coach, as a coach leading other clinicians to transition to research, that is different and new. I mean, I am a mentor. I have mentees within my research program. I know how much it costs to mentor. Wow, it's intense. And the number of mentees I have in my program, I can't triple or quadruple that because it's a lot of intense, focused time. We're meeting every week. We're meeting in between those meetings. We're having conversations off the cuff.

7:56 I'm available as concerns come up. That's a lot of work to be a mentor. And there are very few people that I can really pour into in that way. But wow, there are many people that I can coach. I can coach a lot more people than I can mentor because it's a different kind of energy and it's a different experience. And so it's been powerful to step into my role as a coach because, wow, there are so many more people I can reach and now it's not relevant that they're not in hematology, in my field of hemostasis thrombosis, interested in the kind of research projects I do because in general, what I'm coaching on is helping people really change the way they think about their careers, change the way they think about their ownership of their careers, and change the way they think about their power to advance their careers.

8:45 So that's really important and super powerful. And I'm just really, really appreciative of and really excited by that because it's something different. I didn't think I would be doing it. But wow, what an opportunity. And so in celebrating that, what I'm celebrating is an openness to doing things differently, an openness to an entertaining new ways of serving. All right. The last thing I want to talk about is just celebrating the opportunity to help other people come up and help other people come along. When to be honest, the perspective of my life and coming into medicine has always been about helping people.

9:29 I came to medicine to help people and I felt disillusioned sometimes in clinical medicine because I feel like, wow, there's so many people who could be helped who are not helped. And so there's always this cry of my heart to say, how many people can I help? And in stepping into my leadership of this podcast and stepping into my leadership in my own research program, as stepping into my leadership in actually going on many other podcasts this year, giving talks this year, doing things, going to business conferences I've never gone to before, it's allowed me to step into a place where I'm able to help so many more people. And that is so important to me. It is so powerful to me.

10:10 Because for me, this journey makes sense to the extent to which I can bring a lot more people along with me. This journey makes sense to me to the extent to which I can help people succeed who've been told historically that they could never succeed. Right? And it resonates with me because I am that person. I am the person who was told, well, you know what, this is not for you. Quit while you're ahead. But I also recognize that I'm not alone. There are many people who are like me who are told every day, don't do this because it's too hard. And some of us listen to that, but many of us don't. And we're here because we dared to do something that people said we would not succeed at.

10:53 And then we surprised ourselves and found out that we were successful. And so to me, the opportunity to offer people that gift of don't listen when people tell you you can't succeed just because you don't have a mentor. Don't listen when people tell you you can't succeed just because you don't start out with protected time. Don't listen when people tell you you can't succeed because maybe you've never written a grant or published a paper before. It's like, I mean, don't listen. But there will always be naysayers. And so it has been so awesome to step into the leadership that I have this year and really to be able to support many, many, many, many people along this journey.

11:39 I want to thank you for being a listener, for being someone who tunes in, even if this is your very first podcast episode you're listening to. I want to thank you because the fact that there are people who listen makes it possible to continue to speak. I will tell you that in academia, I've been in many spaces where people have asked me to be silent or they've indicated to me that I was not welcome to contribute. It's like, well, this space is not for people like you. And so I recognize the importance and the power of having people around you who say, no, please speak. We're listening and we appreciate the value of what you say. And so I know that you're listening to this podcast because I see the stats.

12:22 I'm looking at them. I'm like, oh, wow, people are listening from what? I mean, people are listening from all over the world, which is surprising to me because I'm like, really? I mean, most of my listeners right now are the United States, which is my expectation. But when I see like a cluster of people listening, say in Germany, I'm like, oh, why is that? But it's exciting. And it allows me to keep speaking because there are people who are voting with their ears and saying, hey, we appreciate what you say. We appreciate what you share. And so I want to thank you because you are part of that crowd, even if you only listen to me one time. And I really want to say thank you. I want to say thank you because you have the option to listen to as many people as you want.

13:07 And somehow you chose to be here for whatever reason. And I want to say because you chose to listen, because you chose to download an episode, because you dare to press play, you've given me courage to keep speaking. And for that, I'm grateful. And I say thank you. All right. So I'm going off into the end of the year. I'm taking a week off. And I'm excited to be able to do that because as much as I have enjoyed this year and honestly all the work I've done has been so fun. I've had fun this year. I've had fun in my work, in the manuscripts I've written, in the grants I've submitted. I've had so much fun.

13:47 And I also recognize the value of taking time away, not just for rest, but definitely for rest because rest is critical to continue to move forward, but also to be able to reflect and say, well, what does 2024 bring? What do I want to create in 2024? It says not like, oh, I'm going to be surprised at what 2024 is going to bring. I love surprises. And I'm going to prepare to create things in 2024. I'm not asking 2020. I'm not waiting to see what 2024 has to give me. I'm like, well, 2024, this is what I'm coming to get. I'm creating. And I recognize my power in that creation. But in order to be able to create, I need to create space.

14:29 I need to create time to do the work of creation. The work of creation requires opportunity for deep introspection, a rest in mind, opportunities for creativity. And so that's what I'm looking forward to in the next week. And really thinking about how I show up in 2024 more authentically, more real, more rested, really building rest into my day. I'm excited about next week as a time of rest, but I'm also recognizing that, well, one week is not enough. Rest really needs to be part of my daily experience. And so thinking about how does 2024, how does my approach to 2024 allow me to create rest while still having fun in the things that I'm doing as a clinician, as a researcher who's leading and building a research program?

15:21 So I'm excited about that. I want to invite you as you are looking into your week or whatever it is that you're listening to this, because you know what? It's arbitrary. There is no real deadline. You could always stop and think about how you want to show up next week, how you want to show up today, how you want to show up tomorrow. Even if it's past, you know, it's now when you're listening to this January 1st of 2024 or beyond, it's never too late to pause and reflect, celebrate your wins, and then think about how you want to show up in 2024. And if you ask me how do I want to show up in 2024, I want to show up boldly. I want to show up courageously.

16:03 I want to show up and no longer allow shame to direct my path. I no longer am allowing fear to direct my path. I'm going boldly. If it feels crazy, I want to do it, because if it's crazy, I'm like, that must be where I am, where I must be, because anything short of that means I'm allowing fear to rule my experience. I'm looking forward to creating a career that's different from any career I've seen around me, because what I'm doing is living an adventure as an academic. And to be honest, you could do the same too. So I invite you to think about the year ahead, the weeks ahead, the months ahead as an opportunity to create your own adventure in academia.

16:51 And don't look around and say, well, no one will let me do that. Nobody chooses what you do but you. And the question is not will they let you or not. The question is what do you want to do? How do you want your academic career to look like? What do you want it to look like? Who do you want to be? How do you want to show up? What experiences do you want to have? And I hear the voice of cynicism many times and like, well, I want a lot of things, but you know, whatever happens, happens. And it's true. There are a lot of things outside of our control, but there are so many things within our control. And if we stop focusing on the things outside of our control and really focus in on the things in our control, we'll find that we have so much more power and we've allowed ourselves to experience, to enjoy and to wield.

17:46 And I look forward to opportunities to tell you more about things like that in the upcoming year. So at this time, we're out. I hope you'll take some rest too. If you have ideas for episodes that you want to see next year, please definitely send me a message at info at coedcoach.com or you can leave a message on our voicemail on the podcast website. That's clinicianresearcherpodcast.com or you can send me a DM through Instagram or Facebook and really more realistically through LinkedIn. Like LinkedIn, it's a space in which you will likely find me more often than not. Anyway, it's been a pleasure to talk with you today and thank you for taking the time to listen today and always.

18:31 I wish you a very enjoyable holiday season, a time of rest and reflection. Enjoy as you look forward to the adventure that is ahead of you. As always, please share this episode with someone else and definitely let them know that we are offline, off the air for the next week or so. And I look forward to talking with you again in the new year. Take care. Bye bye. Thanks for listening to this episode of the Clinician Researcher Podcast, where academic clinicians learn the skills to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor.

19:16 If you found the information in this episode to be helpful, don't keep it all to yourself. Someone else needs to hear it. So take a minute right now and share it. As you share this episode, you become part of our mission to help launch a new generation of clinician researchers who make transformative discoveries that change the way we do healthcare.